December 4, 2009

Bruce,

You are very often angry, irritable, short, and/or mean toward myself. This bothers me. Anytime I ask why, you tell me, “I’m upset because…” which is a really good reason for being upset. The problem is, we’re kind of in a hard place right now. People are dying, marriage is rocky, family is unsupportive, church is challenging, money is tight, friends come and go, health fails and sports teams lose. We have a never ending list of reasons to be angry. I would know: I’m bitter and angry all the time. I just usally don’t totally freak you out the way you do me. But Christianity is about being calm, patient, faithful, kind, gracious, generous, and good-tempered in spite of hardship. We cannot be perpetually angry, you know? For all we know, there will likely always be something. The fact of the matter is, our character is tested in tough times. What matters is not all we can be in the best of times, but the kind of man and woman we can prove ourselves to be in spite of the worst of circumstances. The Bible says that God tests us “under fire,” and that what you see after a person’s been through the flames is who they really are. There is no doubt; God is purging us with fire in this hour. So the question is; what kind of Christians are we really?

<3 Me!!

November 12, 2009

So, this is late, again. I know. Which is funny, because I’ve been thinking about it all week.

What I was thinking, is that I don’t believe I’m going to do this anymore. Okay, well, not the online part. I mean, how lame is this going to be in 10 or 20 years? Why not do it on paper, so we can keep it?

Now I’m just not sure; book or individual letters? I can either get a journal (like the ones I write in) and write you a letter every week, or I can just write it like the letters you get in the mail; sheet by sheet. What do you think?

<3 Me!

November 4, 2009

So, it’s no excuse, but I’ve been totally overwhelmed and haven’t written here forever. I feel terrible. But I’m back!

So, today, I was thinking; what is a wife’s duty to her husband? And I mean, JUST her husband. The bible is brimming with instructions for how a woman is supposed to treat her family, but her husband in particular? Here’s what I came up with;

• Genesis 3:16, “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; in pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”
• I Corinthians 11:8-9 “For man is not from woman, but woman from man. Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man.”
• Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

• Ephesians 5:24 “Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”
• Titus 2:4-5 “That they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.”
• I Peter 3:1-2 “Likewise you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.”
• Proverbs 31:12 ” she does him good and not evil all the days of her life.”

So what do I get from this? I get that I owe you several commitments;

• To love you
• To love your children
• To keep your home
• To desire you
• To submit to your leadership
• To obey you except where it violates the law of God
• To do you good (or as some translations say, “to help you” “to cause you to prosper”
• To do you no evil (or harm)

<3 ME!!!

PS.

Check out this article! It totally inspired me and and made me happy. Read the comments, too.  = )

October 9, 2009

So, of course, this is very late. What’s new?

I’ve been thinking, though. We are going to be better. Better stewards of what God has directly given us. Did you know that failing physical, mental, emotional and even spiritual health can prevent pregnancy??? It would be so thoughtless of us to miss out on children because we weren’t willing to maintain God’s creations. The Bible is quite clear that we are to use everything God has given us for his glory. I can’t help but think that money is really the least of our concerns. Money is a fleeting thing that we forever try to tame and hold onto. But what of the other things? Does our current physical shape bring glory to God? Do people look at us and have reason to acknowledge the Creator? Do people watch us eat and praise God? Do people watch us work and see that we must work for a Higher Power? Do people see our lives and have no choice but to honor Christ? I’m afraid not.

It worries me. So now I’m thinking of ways to make us better. = )
<3 Me

September 25, 2009

I decided to tell you.

I love you.

I love that you love me. I love that you make love to me. I love that you buy me junk food at 12:03AM. I love that you get mad when stupid drivers scare me. I love that you forgive me when I give you the wrong directions.

Sometimes I am angry at you. Do you know I very rarely get angry at you for little things? Granted, it’s usually something stupid, like forgetting to get the dog while you’re outside, that sets me off. But that’s usually not what makes me upset. Usually, I’m just frustrated with my life and everything it has (and hasn’t) become. Usually, I’m just irritated because I think I partially got married thinking you would be my knight in shining armor, and keep my world from crashing in on me. Turns out, you’re human, not God. Turns out that was a pretty unfair hope for any mortal man. Today, when the guy told us to look at each other ask if there was anything between us we needed to resolve, I was a little nervous. Because it wasn’t really anything YOU would’ve thought of. But it was there. Sometimes, I blame all my problems on you. Which isn’t very fair. So I’m sorry for that. I really am.

That’s it.

No mas.

Thank you for buying me nachos and quesadillas at 12:10AM.

<3 Me

September 16, 2009

I didn’t know what to write you today. Then it came to me right in the middle of my CD105 class today;

I am really, really proud of you.

I thought this school thing was going to be sudden and certain death. I thought that from the first day I realized I needed to register for your classes for you, and then after you took only one class this summer; “this is going to be such a fiasco.”

But I was wrong. You’re a diligent, committed, enthusiastic student. It makes me a little sad that I’m kind of afraid to take a class with you, because, frankly, it’s an honor to call you classmate.

I hope you don’t lose your growing confidence, your excitement about your education, your passion for learning, and your commitment to your success and that of your family. Like I’ve been saying from day one; watching God build the man in  you is amazing.

<3 Me!!!

September 9, 2009

So, I wrote a blog about unwinding, and thought, “you know, Bruce and I have got to learn how to do things together.” It’s important for us to have seperate friends, hobbies, opinions, etc. But it’s not like we need helping being differnt and apart. So what can we do together. So I decided to look up some ideas. These are my favorites.

1. Go to the beach.
2. Play catch.
3. Learn to play tennis.
4. Find hiking trails.
5. Go fishing.
6. Fly a kite.
7. Take dance lessons.
8. Go see a play.
9. Go to the drive-in.
10. Go somewhere and take pictures.
11. Go to an art studio and play.
12. Find cheap or free concerts.
13. Find someone who’s kid plays a sport to watch.
14. Go to a cheap amusement park.
15. Play music and dance for 10 minutes.
16. Write letters to people for 30 minutes.
17. Learn another language.
18. Write a letter to a newspaper.
19. Volunteer somewhere.
20. Organize a softball game with other people.
21. Find funky crazy stores.
22. Take tours of non-traditonal schools.
23. Build model cars.
24. Go out for desert and coffee.
25. Find a new diner.
26. Guerrilla gardening.
27. Host a potluck.
28. Take a free online class.
29. Make sidewalk art.
30. Start a scrapbook and make an entry every week.
31. Go bakery touring.
32. Plan the cheapest wedding ever.
33. Put on the cheapest wedding ever.
34. Go to a sports bar for a really big game.
35. Make care kits for foster kids.
36. Go through travel guides for different local cities.
37. Find a pretty spot for a picnic.
38. Look for cheap bed and breakfasts.
39. Find a park and feed the birds.
40. Look for old fashioned hamburger/soda joints.
41. Write a webzine together.
42. Have a cleaning party.
43. Make s’mores.
44. Bake through a dessert book.
45. Visit a free museum or zoo.
46. Build a giant fort.
47. Have a Spanish Day and practice all day.
48. Do a puzzle
49. REALLY dress up, and go out to eat.
50. Go “scavenger hunting” for things for our next apartment.

That’s my top 50! Let’s see if we can do them all by New Years, mkay? We should keep doing the ones we like, too.

I love you!

<3 Me!!!

September 2, 2009

1 Corinthians 13

Love

 ¹If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

 ⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 ⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 ¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I think we might need to memorize this verse. I’m getting a HUGE banner/poster of this and putting it up in our next apartment…

August 28, 2009

I didn’t write this on Wednesday because we were distracted and I really didn’t know what to say. I figured out what to say on Thursday, but well, the computer got unplugged and we got distracted again. I know it’s technically Friday, but I haven’t slept yet, so lets not count this as two days late, mkay?

Dear Bruce Wayne Knutson, Jr.,

Robin McGraw wrote,

“The concept of redefining your legacy is something I am passionate about… So many of us have dutifully reproduced our mothers’ or fathers’ behaviors, duplicating our parents’ patterns and manifesting a legacy that we, however unconsciously, feel obligated to fulfill. I want you to know you have a choice: you do not have to haul your parents’ legacy into your life like that old dining room set your great aunt left you in her will. If it makes you happy to eat at that table and sit in those chairs, by all means keep them. But if it doesn’t, remember: you have options. You can hold on to the table and toss the chairs. Or lose the table and keep the chairs (perhaps reupholster the seats so they’re more comfortable). And if you just plain hate the whole thing, get rid of it before you even bring it into the house. Your great aunt’s furniture might not suit your dining room, just as your parents’ ways of living might not suit your life. You’re not insulting your dead aunt by rejecting her old furniture, and you’re not betraying your parents by living your life differently than they lived theirs; in fact, what you’re doing is being true to yourself. I believe in the core of my being that you don’t have to bring into your life anything that isn’t working for you, nor are you doomed to a destiny you had no part in creating. Each of us possesses the will to create [his or her] own legacy. And it’s all a choice.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking; this is so not the time for this lecture. But just keep reading.

Your dad had so many great qualities in his “dining room set.” He was committed to his family; he loved deeply; he had a great sense of humor; he excelled in a trade; he worked hard; he was passionate about sports; he was loyal; he pursued employment; he participated in his community; he overcame hardships and disadvantages; he encouraged his children to be better than he was. I know there’s more; some I just can’t think of and I’m sure plenty I just don’t know. My love, I hope you never lose sight of those qualities.

Bruce Knutson, Sr. left quite a legacy for you. I hope you see today as the day you honor your father by building on that legacy. He may not have been the man you wanted, needed, or hoped he would be, but your father didn’t live or die in vain. Every day I see God building His legacy in you, and it leaves me in awe. Between the man your earthly father is leaving you as and the man your Heavenly Father has planned for you to become, I have no doubt that whether he liked it or not, Jesus was building His Kingdom in Bruce Sr.’s life. I pray that the difference of 20 years and a heart open to God’s grace grants you deeper wisdom, bigger faith, better health, more love and stronger character than your dad ever could have hoped to give you. I pray God grants you the peace to leave the chairs, and keep the table.

I love you with all my heart.

Your devoted wife,

Saidah Ali Knutson

November 15, 2008

I’m sorry this is late. I don’t think I’ve had the presence of mind to do much other than to pretend to be happy and care about coffee at work and try to distract myself the rest of the time. I’m sorry I cry a lot. I’m sorry for not being happy. I imagine you had bargained for a happier, less emotional wife. I feel like a whiney, spoilt, drama queen. I hope you forgive me for all of this some day.

Last night I dreamed that you died. And that I wouldn’t let anyone in my house and that I never went out except to get Starbucks. And that my dad paid my rent and Sheri brought me food that I didn’t eat. And I didn’t clean or touch anything, ever because you had touched everything the way it was. And then Dorian Dreher found me at Starbucks and chased me home and I fell and then he took me home and I fell asleep and he cleaned the whole house (even the tub). And when I woke up, I cried and he made me go to the hospital and they made me stay there because I hadn’t eaten and I had the baby on December 14. And the baby lived, but he was super small and skinny. And I named him Hunter James Bruce Knutson. And then Dorian made me go to your work to get all your things that I had never gone to get. And then I started crying. And then I woke up and cried.

I was really scared.

I’m sorry that you didn’t get to sleep all night. I’m sorry I cried. I didn’t want to leave Ruby’s, because then we’d go to Target and look at baby things for a couple of seconds and then we’d have to go home. And then I’d have to go to bed and Friday would be over and it would be Saturday. And then another sad day would start. I hate waking up in the morning. I used to like mornings. Now I dread them. All I can think about is going to work, or hanging out with people who make me feel stupid, or paying bills, or seeing the people in the office, or looking at myself in the mirror, or being at work while you’re home, or you being at work while I’m home. I don’t want to get out of bed. It makes me sad. Everything makes me sad. But especially going to bed. Going to bed means you have to wake up.

I’m trying to think of good Christmas presents for you. I think I’ve thought of some, but I’m not sure. I’m trying to think of lots more. I need more Christmas presents for everyone, though. What should we get Sheri? And Bradyn? And Crystal? And the Crystal-crew? lol. I think I should be Crystal’s nanny. It would be fun. I like her. Even though she thinks of a spoiled brat because I wasn’t going to buy clothes for my kids at Walmart. When I was a little kid, I didn’t even know you COULD buy clothes at Walmart. I thought it was like buying clothes at the grocery store. My dad always said that clothes at Walmart would fall apart after you washed them for a month. So it never occured to me. I wish I were more practical. I wish my parents had been poor. Maybe I wouldn’t be so sad.

My stomach hurts a lot. Lot, lot, lot. I’m hungry, though, too. So I’m leaving. Because I want food. Do you miss me? I miss you. I don’t want to go to church tomorrow, because then I have to go to work again tomorrow right after and then I won’t see you until after bedtime. And then you go to work on Monday. Does that make you sad? It makes me sad. I want to be with you all the time. You’re the only person I feel safe with even sometimes. I hope you have a happy day today. I hope work isn’t too hard. I love you.

<3 Me

November 19, 2008

I can’t believe so much has happened since I wrote your last (late) Wednesday Letter. I don’t even know what to say or think. I’m so sad, and I miss our Amelia so much. Everything just has happened so fast. 

Thank you so much. The past few days, you have been everything I could have imagined the perfect husband to be…. and more. When you more or less “declared yourself” to me a year ago, convincing me to marry you, I could not have been more sure of the man you are than I am now. You have been strong, sensitive, kind, thoughtful, caring, gentle and so much more. You stepped up at the best time possible; during the most horrible 24 hours of my life. You made those hours and all of the time afterwards almost sweet. I don’t think I will ever look at you the same again. In every sad moment since they told us the horrible news that our baby would not live, you have made every sad moment somehow wonderful as I saw again and again your faithfulness, love, devotion, protection, character, and strength. I guess the past few days has been one of the wonders of marriage. The true definition of “bittersweet.” Everyone keeps saying that the one good thing that came out of our 24-hour tragedy is that now we know and we can prevent it next time. I think the good of it is that now, more than ever before, I know that I made the best choice I could have possibly made in a friend, a husband, and a father for all of our many, many future children. 

I love you. What’s more is, I respect you. So much. Thank you for being the good man I’ve always known you are. May God always be with you.

<3 Me

November 26, 2008

I am so sorry. I don’t know why we are in the situations we are in. I just know that it wasn’t like this for you last year. I know I have caused you significant hardship and stress and I really do apologize. If I had any idea how to fix it, I would. I just don’t know how. Me working never seems to make a difference; anytime I’ve worked in the past year, things have ben just as bad. Me staying at home at least feels like I’m kind of helping, but I guess I’m not really. I want so desperately for things to be better for you. I want you to have everything. I want you to have happy, healthy, well-behaved children. I want you to play poker and baseball. I want you to hang out with your friends and do whatever you want. I want you to be healthy and fit. I want people to love and respect you the way I do. I want you to be able to go out and get the toys you want when you want them. I want you to go out to eat or on a trip whenever you like. I just don’t know how to do that. I guess if I hadn’t dropped out of school, I’d have a better chance. I guess, the only reason I did was because I wanted family more than I wanted to make a lot of money. Going to school for 4-12 years just gets you bigger paycheck, more debt, and more random college associates. Not going to school got me you. It didn’t really occur to me that going to school would get me a job that would make you happier and less stressed out. I guess I should have thought about that. I’m sorry. At this point, I don’t really know how to go back to school without taking on loads more debt. I’ve actually been considering a small Christian college in El Cajon, but it’s going to pile the debt onto my soon-to-be-owed college loans. Should I go to night school this spring? It would be a good way to keep busy while I’m not really allowed to do much. And it would be worth it in the long run. I guess I could probably finish school in like, two years that way. Then the baby could go to preschool and I could go to work unless we got pregnant again (which could be avoided if we got birth control again). Then I could probably work so you could go to school if you wanted. I don’t know. 

Amelia is being cremated today. It makes me said. Something about her being cremated makes me feel like a horrible person. I don’t really know why. I kind of don’t want to go to Mary Birch. Which is weird. I think I’m afraid I’ll see lots of happy moms and babies. Which probably isn’t very likely. Unless I have to go by the shops. Or the internet area. Which will be happy dads. But at least no babies. Idk. I really can’t wait for January. That’s what I’m looking forward to. The 1st paycheck in January. That’s my goal in life right now. I’m not really sure about anything else. I can’t really think about anything else. 

I’m sorry that I don’t have a job. I didn’t know that I couldn’t go back to work without a doctors note if I missed more than 3 days. I would have gone back on Tuesday. I’m sorry. I really meant to go back after a week. I just wanted to stop crying first. And I still cried on Tuesday. And you missed work, so I didn’t think anything of it. I’ve never had a job where there were rules about things like that. I’m kind of afraid to look for another job. Because I know I can’t get one before Christmas, probably, and if I do, I’ll be fired in January. And if I get a job in January, I might have to quit in February, either because we move, or if I get pregnant. Should I get birth control if I’m not pregnant in January? And get a job? But if I do, where are we moving to? Should I wait until February? I guess having Amelia was not a smart idea. Maybe I was wrong about not taking birth control. I thought it was in God’s will to stop, especially since you were happy about it at first. But I think maybe we didn’t pray about it enough. Especially since everyone thinks we’re complete idiots, and it’s kind of messed us up, financially. I guess that’s always my problem. I always think I’m doing the right thing and I’m not really. I always think that people are doing things that aren’t Godly, and it turns out that I’m just a know-it-all who doesn’t know anything. I think maybe people were right. You’re not supposed to get married and have kids when you’re twenty. Maybe you are supposed to wait a long time. I don’t know. I’m confused. I wish I would listen to you more. You’re way older, way smarter, and know way more about life than I. My new goal in life should be to stop talking and stop trying to tell you what’s right, and what God says and what we should do. Clearly I don’t know anything about anything. 

I really am going to try to be a quiet wife. I think quiet wives have better marriages than wives who talk and tell their husbands what to do. Especially their older, wiser husbands. If I start trying to talk, you should really just tell me that I promised not to. I think maybe it’ll make things better. We won’t argue as much. You won’t feel like I’m criticizing you for things that you shouldn’t feel bad for doing in the first place. I won’t stress out because I’m not the one who’s making decisions. You can make decisions without me interfering and putting in my two cents. And maybe we won’t be in such a mess. Like now. And maybe you’ll be less stressed. 

I’m sorry I’ve messed so much up. I love you. And I hope this makes things better. 

<3 Me

December 3, 2008

We have a date on a Wednesday! How funny. I’m really excited for tonight. I’m kind of nervous, but I hope everything works out okay. 

Today, I randomly decided to go back and read our AIM logger… hahahaha. let’s just say, I started an hour ago and I’m still only on Friday, October 12… lol. We were so funny and cute. We seemed different. But I’m so glad I met you and knew you and talked to you. It’s so funny. I was reading where I went out with Clint and when I got back you were like, “I think I’ve fallen for you… because I was jealous….” lol and then you randomly decided to come visit me at like, 10 o’clock a couple of days later and the girls were all freaking out. When I was moving you were like, “I’ll come help you pack your unmentionables…” lol. It’s funny because at one point we we’re joking about going to prom and it’s kind of cute that eventually we did. I loved our prom night. It was awesome. We should have an “unprom” every year. Maybe on our anniversary. lol. Originally, were were supposed to rent a cheap motel on the beach and eat junk food and watch movies. That sounds like fun. We’ll make a baby every prom night… lol. Except this one. lol. It’s funny because at one point, we’re talking about the diet I put you on. And  you’re like, “I told Trent about the diet and he laughed… especially when I told him you were a gymnast…. he said I wouldn’t last 30 days….” hahahaha. Little did he know that you would lose a lot a weight and get in pretty good shape. I remember when we first started coming to San Diego, and we were in our hotel, I could really, really tell. I was so proud of you. Remember when I was seriously considering running away to Canada? You said you were going with me. lol. Would you really have gone with me? I was so freaking out. It’s occurred to me; I haven’t freaked out like that in forever. I mean, I have my episodes still and I even manage to kick myself in to extreme panic mode sometimes, but I haven’t even come close to running away or anything in almost a year. Weird. But good. You keep me grounded. And safe. I love it. You are good. 

Wanna know the best thing I read? I think one day, I’m going to paint it on a wall in our bedroom somewhere. 

 

BnGiants (9:32:39 PM):	you really are amazing
BnGiants (9:33:03 PM):	i think i’ll keep ya around
acrogymnast1 (9:33:08 PM):	lol
BnGiants (9:33:14 PM):	as long as possible
acrogymnast1 (9:33:16 PM):	is that so?
BnGiants (9:33:56 PM):	i hope so
acrogymnast1 (9:35:03 PM):	lol
acrogymnast1 (9:35:04 PM):	okay
BnGiants (9:37:50 PM):	what if i suck at this whole baseball thing?
BnGiants (9:38:00 PM):	you’ll still love me right?
acrogymnast1 (9:38:04 PM):	lol
acrogymnast1 (9:38:05 PM):	of course
acrogymnast1 (9:38:16 PM):	I want you to do whatever makes you happy.
acrogymnast1 (9:38:31 PM):	I think the pursuit of happiness is important
acrogymnast1 (9:38:34 PM):	= )
BnGiants (9:38:45 PM):	then i will pusue you
BnGiants (9:38:53 PM):	pursue
acrogymnast1 (9:39:04 PM):	lol
acrogymnast1 (9:39:06 PM):	ok
BnGiants (9:39:05 PM):	you give me happyness
acrogymnast1 (9:39:13 PM):	hahahahaha
acrogymnast1 (9:39:13 PM):	ok

 I love that. It’s so perfect and it make me so warm and happy inside when I read it. You’re amazing and I can’t wait to spend the rest of forever with you.

<3 Me

December 10, 2008

Isn’t it so wierd how I definitely FEEL pregnant? Scary. I’ve read about people not even knowing they were pregnant… until they gave birth! Aaahhh!!! I wish. lol. But seriously, it feels…. just like last time. lol. Sleeepy. Lots of peeing. Constipation. The onset of RHINITIS. Feeling my cervix closed. Waaaay weird. But totally cool. lol

Since you are so into “family unity” lately, I decided to come up with some fun family-time stuff of my own. 

Starting with Christmas:

-I like the Christmas lights tour idea. Especially once we have kids. One other thing that’s kind of a cool spin off of that, is that some areas do actual Christmas lights tours. I know Riverside does. A ton of houses do particularly amazing Christmas lights nd you tour the houses in a horse drawn carriage. There’ also a tour of the inside of  some houses, and they serve snacks and have a party at the end. So we should look for those too. 

-I like the Christmas carol idea, but only if we have my piano (and if our kids get dragged through piano lessons). Otherwise I think it’d be weird. But I like Christmas music and it would be cool to have an amazing collection of fun stuff and classics and play it all Christmas season. 

-I want 25 amazing children’s Christmas books. That way, we can read a Christmas book for every day in December up until Christmas. They can be any kind of Christmas book, except the one we read on Christmas day is going to be the Biblical account of Christmas. If we have way older kids, we can read A Christmas Carol in 25 days, maybe. 

-I want a different kind of Christmas list. Instead of what they want for Christmas, I want our kids to make a list of people and things that they want to give them for Christmas. I mean, the whole “letter to santa” thing is cute, but we know what our kids want for Christmas. And also, then a) Christmas is actually a surprise, and b) then we don’t end up racing to fill a list of demands.

-I’ve seen some pretty spectacular True Story of Saint Nick books. I want our kids to know that story. That way, they can get into the “magic of Christmas” with everyone else, but they’re not living in la-la land and they get that the point of Santa isn’t that you get stuff from him, but that he gave stuff away. 

-We should all get new pajamas every Christmas Eve.

-I kind of want to find a Church that has a service on Christmas. Or at leas on Christmas Eve. A lot of churches don’t anymore.

-I want our kids to give. I think that our kids should give away three gifts on Christmas (one for each of the Wise Men). One can be the Operation Christmas Child Shoebox, another can be the Christmas Tree that most churches do, and then they can pick the third one. That way it’s not “all about them.”

-I think we should have a Decorating Day on the first weekend of Decmeber when we go get our tree, put up lights, put up Christmas decorations and eat take out. I think that sounds fun.

-Each year, every person should add a Christmas ornament to the tree.

Non-Christmas Traditions

-I think on birthdays, when they have a party, instead of  US making and giving out goodie bags, I think THEY should think of a goodie to give each of their friends (even if they make it) and THEY should give it to each of their friends. I also like Sheri’s idea; you can’t play with it until you’ve sent out a thank you card for it.

- I think for each person’s birthday, they should pick what they would like to do, not what they want. 

-I think we should let our kids make their own keepsakes. They can help us make scrapbooks of their pictures, crafts and things like that. They can help us make a baby box for each baby, too, decorating it and putting all the important things in the box. That way they’re contributing to the baby too. 

-I think we should all go to baseball games. You love baseball, and I think it could be contagious. The kids will like whatever you like… because you like it. I think we should all go to baseball games (maybe minor league ones) together  at least once in the spring and twice in the summer. I think it could be fun. 

-I think we should have family night every Sunday night. We can play games, bake cookies, watch a movie, have a scavenger hunt, or whatever, but we have to do something together. We can even have a project. Some people do a movie night and pizza.

-I think once our oldest is four or five, we should have family council once a month. We should go out to eat and have a meeting about what we’re working on, things we’re planning and stuff like that. Even if it’s not very serious, it’s a still a forum and it’s still fun. 

-I think we should have date. Maybe not a date night, because there can only be so many available  nights. You and I should have date every two weeks or maybe just every month on the 11th. You and the boys should have a date every month. You and girls should have a date every month. Me and the boys should have a date every month. Me and the girls should have a date every month. 

-I think one way we can make sure YOU’RE involved is for the kids to get to go somewhere with you every week. Not like, “get to go to the movies” or whatever. Just go with you. Go to the store. Go pick something up from work. Go take books back to the library. Whatever. I also think that you should have an activity that only YOU do with them. I think (at least at first) it should be parent-and-me gymnastics. We should find a really cheap parent-and-me and only YOU take them on say Saturday mornings. It’s not like a gymnastics class. You just help them climb up and over mats and jump on the trampoline and and walk on the balance beam. Most kids love going with their dad and freak out if their mom tries to take them after that. lol. But kids (especially when they’re babies and their mom stays home with them) are super mom-attached. So I think that would be a fun thing to do with the baby every week. You could do park picnics too. However, if you take my four year old to the batting cages and she gets hit in the head, I’m going to kill you. 

-I think we should make breakfast every Sunday morning before church

-No one goes to bed before telling everyone “I love you”

-We should have two parties a year. 

-Every New Years Day we should have a family Summit. Which is a family council on steroids. lol

-I think we should read a book about every holiday on the calender, and fly a flag on every patriotic holiday 

-If its not a horrific amount of trouble, I think every Memorial Day we should go to the Homeschool Fair once the kids are at least in pre-school. It’s fun. We went a lot when I was little. They give prizes for writing, sewing, art, history, science, baking, spelling bees, math olympics, table setting, bible drills and track and field. They have a talent show, reenactments, clinics and exhibits, vendors, and they sell used curriculum. I haven’t been since i was ten or something, but I liked it. 

-I’m currently looking for a big scrapbook; the kind you just slid the whole page into. I’m going to add recipes and we can write notes about what we made it for and what we thought, and how we can make it better. 

-We will never eat out at Thanksgiving again unless we have to. And I will always make regular stuffing and we will always eat cranberry sauce out of a can; the kind with no cranberries.

-We should take a family picture every season and send it to our parents and whoever else is far away. We should frame the Christmas one every year. 

-We should have a growth chart for everyone and mark it on their birth date each month. 

-Even though our kids are homeschooled, I think we should still make every school year a big deal. I think they should get to go school shopping for school supplies and maybe school clothes. Or maybe, if we have a classroom, we can have a Classrooom Clean-up Day to kick off a new school year. 

-We should “play hooky” once a year on a random day (no work, no school, no practice, no lessons) and do something fun.

-Send the kids on the hunt for treasure. Bring something home for a child (like a favorite candy or a small toy or something like that) and hide it. Tell them you hid treasure for them somewhere.

-Give add-on gifts. Like  add-a-pearl necklaces, charm bracelets, collectables, hard-cover copies of a series of books, etc. 

-We should pray with our kids every night.

Ta-da! Eat that Mr. Family Unity!

December 17, 2008

Geez. It feels like every time I write one of theses, there’s a new tragedy. It feels like we just can’t get a break sometimes. I know I’m not supposed to be angry at God, but really, who else am I supposed to be angry with? You? My mom? My dad? Eve? So God’s kind of just convenient. It might just be a matter of me being nearsighted compared to him, but the fact of the matter is, right now, I’m not seeing the big picture. Frustrating.

On the upside, I’m glad we found a church that we both seem to like right off the bat. That’s cool. I hope this is the last one. I’m over “church-hunting.” I guess we’re moving to El Cajon. Or at least La Mesa. That’s going to be weird. We’re going to be really far from Sheri now. And Crystal. What’s funny is, the church is literally three minutes away from the gym that Maddie (the really serious girl in my acro class) goes to. So, if all else fails, at least I’ll have a gym if I want. Maybe I’ll work out with Maddie. We’ll be elite. lol. So thats good.

I don’t think I ever thought my life could possibly be this complicated. It’s nuts. Who would’ve thunk it? It’s so weird. I always thought life was so much more black and white. It’s crazy. I think that’s part of why I don’t really like San Diego (or California for that matter). Life is too fast and too complicated. And most of the people I’ve met lately are so much less focused on the things that I would consider important and so much more concerned with things that aren’t really. Keeping up with the Jones’ makes like way more complicated. 

I’m sorry I miscarried. I really don’t know what to say. I’m so sad. I feel like maybe I should not think about kids anymore. Maybe I’m obsessed. I think I’m going to find something else to think about.

Lacey’s cat website is funny http://icanhascheezburger.com/

But mine is pretty cool too http://www.stuffonmycat.com/

Christmas Eve 2008

Merry Christmas, my love. I am so happy right now. I don’t think, even this time last year, that I thought I would get to spend the next hundred or so Christmases with you. I don’t think it occurred to me that this was forever. But I’m so glad. With you, I have an assuredness of Christmas. With you, I know that Christmas is not just another holiday. With you I know Christmas has meaning. That its a day dedicated to love, joy, family and, of course, Jesus. You give me hope for Christmas, and for that, I’m completely grateful. Thank you, my love, for Christmas. Thank you for giving me something wonderful to give to our children.

Do you know that I adore you? No matter what I’m doing, I’m waiting to see you. I think of little else. I cook, I clean, I run errands, I shop, I visit h friends, I work outside the house… regardless of what occupies my day, you occupy my mind. I do everything in an attempt to please you and better your life. I want everything for you. I want you tolove me and be pleased with me. I love when you come home to me. My new goal is to have something special for you when you come home. I’m not completely sure what or how, but I love you and I want you to know it. I’m working on my new housekeeping list. One thing that I definitely want is for you to always come home to a clean house and a hot dinner. It might not work out immediately, but that’s my goal. I think I need to be more organized, so I’m trying to schedule my day. That way when I have a baby, everything doesn’t go down the toilet. I think I’m going to have to create incentives for myself, but I’m definitely going to do it. = )

We need more pictures! More, more, more!!! lol. I want tons and tons of pictures! I think I’m going to save up for a new camera. I want a good one. I’m going to take so many pictures of our family, we’re going to have a whole library of picture books of just us. We’re going to have great times.

January 1, 2009

Happy 2009. I love you. We are going to have another amazing year. I hope you always love me.

January 8, 2009

Up and down and up and down and up and down…. that’s the story of our life. lol. We live in the wild side, my love. Our life IS a rollecoaster.

I’m sorry I didn’t put the money in the account when you gave it to me. I’ve never put money you’ve given me in my account the same day. I usually don’t do it for two or three days. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that it was really pressing to get it done quickly. I feel horrid. I’m sorry.

I really don’t know what to say today. There’s so much on my mind right now, that I don’t know what to tell you about. I don’t know what you’d want to hear about. I think, sometimes we talk too much. I think we say too much to each other.  I was reading boundless yesterday, and the blog was responding to several people who intended to basically bare their souls to their spouses-to-be. Thomas Jefferies advised against it.

Now, I realize that “openness” and “transparency” are extremely popular concepts; I, for one, was convinced that I wanted to ask (and likewise answer) any and all questions to/from the woman I wanted to marry. There would be no secrets in our relationship, we vowed, even if the truth was a bit painful. But when we began to be open and honest, we quickly learned that our pastor and his wife were very wise indeed.

Though neither of us had what you might call a sordid sexual past, it’s also true that I did not save my first kiss for the altar, and neither did my wife. And as we began to “transparently” answer each other’s questions, what resulted was not a sense of greater closeness and security, but rather resentment and insecurity. What good did it serve to hear about her other boyfriends? My previous girlfriends? To be completely open and honest with you, it didn’t do much good at all.

When we saw what was happening, we realized that our pastor was right — the details weren’t very important after all. (Incidentally, I have now heard this same advice from a number of pastors/counselors.) As a result, my wife and I have lived in blissfully ignorant matrimony for more than 15 years now.

Now please don’t twist my words to suggest that I’m in favor of keeping secrets from a potential spouse. I am not. If you are sexually experienced and he’s not, be honest about it. And don’t wait until you’re married to reveal the truth. But sharing every intimate detail of that experience will do little to strengthen the bond you are trying to forge.

I think maybe that principle carries over into other aspects of life. I don’t think the idea that “somethings are better left unsaid” is just some mindless, careless idea. The Bible says that you should only speak those things that are good and helpful. Even when you’re a little kid, they teach you not to say everything that comes to your mind, even if it is true or relevant. Think; is it good to say this? Is it helpful? Now, there are some things that are not fun to share that are both good and helpful (good meaning, it is good for you to say, or better worded, it is Godly for you to say). Some of those things should be shared. But if something you are considering saying neither helps a relationship or a situation, nor reflects poorly on the character of God if left unsaid, I think maybe it shouldn’t be mentioned. Idk. I know you’re huge on the whole “complete honesty” business, and to a large extent, I completely agree. But at least once a day I tell you something that either you ask to be told or that I know you would want to be told, and afterwards I feel much worse for the wear, and sincerely wish I had never told you. *shrug* But I could be wrong.

Anyway, see, this is what happens when I have lots to say, but can’t think of anything to tell you; a perfectly depressing blog. Blech.

Oh I know something funny to tell you. So, one of the Boundless writers is adopting four children from Ethiopia, and his wife has a blog about how that’s going. she wrote this hilarious post several months ago.

http://ethiopianbrowns.blogspot.com/search/label/play%20mat

I love my darling. I hope you always <3 Me!

January 14, 2009

Good morning, my love. How are you? I hope today is wonderful.

Today, I am wrestling with what God wants from me. Who he wants me to be. Where he wants me to go. I can’t seem to get over the idea that some how this (this being whatever I’m doing (or not doing) right now), is not it. I feel like I’m not on the same page. I’m almost tempted to go to seminary. Then at least I know I’d be doing something he commanded; studying his word, day and night. The reason I wanted to go to PLNU is because it made sense in terms of what I felt God calling me to do. The PLNU course requirements for a degree in Family and Consumer Sciences reads like a primer in “How to be the Proverbs 31 Woman.” But somehow it feels like taking many of those same courses at a public school would somewhat defeat the purpose. Not sure. I’m kind of running out of ideas for what God would have me to do here. Really. I need a mentor. And Sheri is not it. I love Sheri, but she not really the “lets-pray-about-it” kind of person. She’s more of a “well-my-life-experience-has-taught-me” kind of person. Which is helpful sometimes, but not what I’m going for. You know?

Maybe I should go on a missions trip. I’m not sure. I feel like I need to go to school, but I don’t want to go for something I’m not supposed to go for and waste my time and money. I want whatever I do to be what God wants me to be doing. I don’t want to “just do it” for the sake of “just doing it.” I want it to have purpose. I really like San Diego Christian College. I’m really, really drawn to it. I think I actually want to go there more than PLNU. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do there. *shrug*

Aren’t I confused? lol. You married a crazy, crazy woman, my love.

January 21, 2009

Tomorrow is your birthday! Yay! I’m so excited for you. My dad was like, “dang! he’s an old dude! He got lucky!” lol. 

I hope the next year is your BEST YEAR EVER! I hope you get everything you want, and get to go all kinds of places and do all kinds of things. I hope you make lots of friends at church and I hope you get the job you want. I hope you win another baseball championship. I hope you get everything you want.

I love you so much. I’m sorry that I’m not really the “ultimate” wife, but I’m working on that for you, my love. I hope you know that I think the world of you. Even though you’re a complete dork and totally weird and immature half the time and silly the rest of the time, I still think you’re the bees knees. lol. You have become twice the man of God that you were a year ago. If the past year is ny indication of what and who you can be, I am clearly in for the ride of my life. I’m so excited. 

I hope that the next year is less stressful for you than the past year. I love you so much. and I miss your happy, sweet self when you’re not stressed out. I hope you have a happy, fun, joyful year. I hope you feel loved, accomplished, wanted, adored, strong, happy, blessed, and every other good thing. 

I hope you live for a hundred more years with me, loving my weirdness and kissing my forehead. You’re the best and I can’t wait for more years with my wonderful beautiful husband.

January 28, 2009

Okay, so I met this awesome trolley security guard. He saw my wedding ring and was like, “hey, you’re married young, too!” lol. Turns out he’s like, 21 and he’s been married for 2 years and he has a son. We talked for like, 10 minutes about how cool and weird it is to be married young. I told him I hated that people treat me like an idiot when they find out when I’m married. I like what he said about that.

Yeah, I know what you mean. People who assume I just got married a couple of months ago still ask if I got married because I got my girlfriend pregnant. But you know what? I know they’re just being facetious. I work really hard to make sure that I come off as mature, and responsible, and capable as they are. They can say what ever they want, but they’re not being honest. I make sure they see that I take this seriously. I have a job. My wife stays home and housekeeps and takes care of the baby. We don’t drink, or curse, or smoke. We eat healthy and exercise. We’re both in school and getting a degree. We take our son for walks, and read to him, and take him to the doctor. We have savings, and we’re going to buy a house soon. We go to church, we spend time with our family and we don’t hang out with crazy people. We make sure we always are clean and look clean-cut. We pay our bills on time, every time. We’re polite and we respect people no matter what we feel like. We don’t mess around, you know? When we got married, I wasn’t really together, you know what I mean? And her dad was mad, but was he just said, “I can’t stop you from marrying her, but you’d better do this right.” And I just decided, “Look, this is what we want, and I think this is what we need to do. But we do have to do it right. We can’t mess around.”  So I decided I was going to do the best I possibly could. The Bible says, “a good name is better than riches and to be respected is better than gold,” and “a man skilled in his work will stand before kings and queens.” I figured God didn’t say that for nothing, you know? It’s like the parable of talents; we’re going to get to heaven and he’s going to be like, “So you had all that time, and the whole world at your disposal; what’d you do? Did you work hard, and live your life like you were doing it for me? Or did you just screw around?” And I’m not about to be like, “Well, I tried…” No way. I’m about to be like, “God, I might not have been perfect, but you know I did the best I could.” I tried to be like you. I tried to set an example for my little brother and be like, “look, this is how you live your life.”‘ He looks up to me, you know? So if he’s following me, then I’m for sure going to be waiting until I get married, and going to church, and working hard, and getting a haircut and helping people out, you know?” He doesn’t really like church and stuff, so if he wants to be like me, I want him to see me doing stuff God’s way. People are always like, “Oh, well, I don’t care what people think…” I’m like, “Whatever. Yeah, you do.” Everyone does. Because I think deep down inside, we care what God thinks. I know I do.”

It was funny, because he said that all, (almost) word-for-word and almost in one breath. It was like, “I get this all the time, so you’re going to get the spiel,” but it was okay. I always get caught up in what other people think, and in trying to not care, I start just doing whatever. But I should care about one opinion; God’s, and I can’t really say that I’ve been doing things His way, and living my life in a way that makes Him look good. I can’t really say that a lot of things that I do make Him look good. It’s been a REALLY long time since I was impressed with ANYONE, much less someone my age. But I really was. I didn’t get to ask him how he and his family manage to do all that and afford to live in San Diego, but I guess that wasn’t really the point. lol. They’re taking care of business and for all outward appearances show, they’re doing a good job. It was kind of cool to have someone to look up to, even if it was just on the trolley. lol. 

Anyway, I love you and I’ve got stuff to do. I hope you have a good-rest-of-Wednesday.

<3 ME!!

February 4, 2009

I’m sorry I haven’t been, well, cheery lately. I’m really frustrated with myself. It really has very little to do with you. I’m just having a hard time dealing with feeling severely incompetent, and inadequate. I feel unaccomplished, unrefined, and basically, a mess. I used to have such high expectations for myself, and somewhere (I’m not sure where), I just dropped them. I feel like a loser and a failure. I don’t know why. I’m working on “being happy,” but it’s not going so well. I am working on it though. I promise. 

Did you know….

1. There are twice as many kangaroos in Australia as there are people. The kangaroo population is estimated at about 40 million.
2. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet (2 m) away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
3. A lion’s roar can be heard from five miles away.
4. The fist product to have a bar code was Wrigleys gum.
5. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
6. The largest number of children born to one woman is recorded at 69. From 1725-1765, a Russian peasant woman gave birth to 16 sets of twins, 7 sets of triplets, and 4 sets of quadruples.
7. Children grow faster in the springtime. 
8. The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland’s baby daughter, Ruth.
9. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down — hence the expression “to get fired”
10. Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights.
11. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
12. Coca-Cola was originally green.
13. The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
14. The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” uses every letter in the alphabet. It was developed by Western Union to Test telex/twx communications
15. In 1865 the first speed limit was introduced in Britain – 2 mph in town and 4 mph in the country.

February 20, 2009

Oh darling. I don’t even know what to say. Whereas, “Jose” is kind and sweet and not hurtful or stupid (from what I’ve observed), I should have known no  to touch that stupid pervert. I’m so scared now. I wish I’d never met him, never seen him, never touched him. I wish if I’d basically cheated on you with with someone, it’d been someone like “Jose,” who I at least sincerely has no intention of doing me harm. I could tell that punk kid was a horrible idea before we even went over there. I almost didn’t go there because he made me so uncomfortable. And I went anyway. Now I’m really scared about what he did to me. To us. I feel dirty and used. I wish we had never gone. Just for the record, I DID delete all the craigslist.com people who wrote me back today. I don’t want to talk to them anymore than you want me to. 

I sleep, but my heart waketh: it is the voice of my beloved that knocketh, saying, Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled.
Song of Solomon, 5:2

I don’t know what it’s going to take, but I’d really like to be your princess again. I miss being your love. I miss you. “Jose” is nice, but he’s not my husband. My lovely, wonderful husband. No one makes me happy like you do. Jesus loves you and so do I.

<3 Me

February 26, 2009

I love you. I miss you. I want you. I need you. I’ve tried to write your blog 3 times and I don’t know if it’s going to work at all. Thank you for marrying me. I don’t think I could make it through this life without you. I’m not entirely positive I’m going to survive this life period. But if I do, it’s definitely going to be with and because of you.

I love that video.
Questions

-What are your thoughts of sports when it comes to our kids. Boys vs. Girls. Check this out…. http://www.boundlessline.org/2009/02/ladies-sports.html
-What do you want for Christmas?
-I need a SAHM job. What should it be?
-I want to be your trophy wife. How should I work on that?
-How do you want people to see you/think of you?
-We need some new favorite healthy foods. Think of some super healthy foods you want me to cook. = )
Did you know…
-The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the “General Purpose” vehicle, G.P.
-A new study finds those who won Nobel Prizes between 1901 and 1950 lived about 2 years longer than nominees who didn’t win.
-A new study finds those who won Nobel Prizes between 1901 and 1950 lived about 2 years longer than nominees who didn’t win.
-Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
-More than 40,000 people each year die from Toilet Injuries. These could be from drowning in the toilet to tripping and knocking their head on the toilet.

-In Baltimore, Maryland, it is not legal to take a lion to the movies.

-In 2005, Ai Ai, a 27-year-old chimpanzee living at a zoo in northern China’s Shaanxi province quit smoking after 16 years. Zoo keepers helped by providing therapy that included walking, music therapy, and exercise according to the Xinhua news agency said.

-China has more English speakers than the United States.

-Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

March 4, 2009

8 Things To Do for Someone Who’s Depressed 
by Susan Dunn, M.A., Professional Coach

Other Articles On Depression   

 

• Seven Simple Steps to Beat Your Depression and Take Back Control of Your Life
• Through The Energy Portal: Living Intentionally
• Madness, Mania & Miracles
• Life After Depression
• Therapy Tips for Seasonal Affective Disorder
• How Do You Put the Wind Back in Your Sail?
• Defeating Depression and Finding Happiness in Your Life
• Depression, Negativity, and the Art of Doing Nothing
• Treating Depression
• Healthy Eating Fights Depression

 

---

See All Articles on Depression

Someone suffering a clinical depression needs medication and therapy. In addition, here are some things you can do for them as a loving person in their life, or as their personal life coach.

1. Be clear in your mind that they need medication and therapy, and project this. Encourage them to continue both. Make it clear it’s now the new routine. 

2. There should be Guide Dogs for the Depressed. If the depressed loved-one or client in your life doesn’t have a companion pet, give them a well-trained, easy-to-manage, older one. This is particularly important if they live alone. Specify that you will take care of the dog in terms of vet care and bills, and provide a starter-kit–huge bag of dog food and container, food and water dishes, bedding, etc. In other words, make it easy for them to accept this healing gift. I have a depressed coaching client in Manhattan suffering the aftermath of Nine One One who mostly talks to me about her beloved companion dog. I consider �Cody� part of the healing team for this woman. 

3. Make any decision you can for the person. In other words, don’t say “Would you like to go out for dinner tonight? Where would you like to go?” Say instead, “We’re going to Bijan’s tomorrow night for dinner. I’ll pick you up at 7:00. Just wear your jeans.” Once there, offer to order for the person.

4. Speak in normal, modulated tones. Avoid an overly-’compassionate’ look of concern or a patronizing tone of voice. If they have trouble making a decision or remembering something, keep your eyes from looking overly concerned or worried. This will only add to their worry and confusion. 

5. Just be with them. Don’t hover, try to cheer them up, argue, try to ‘get a rise out of them,’ or ask them ‘talk about it.’ Cognitive processes are slowed, and emotionally, they’re in conflict. Under those circumstances, it’s difficult to talk. It’s hard to connect with people, even best-beloved ones, when you’re clinically depressed–hard to maintain eye-contact and to follow long sentences and thoughts. A metaphor I use is play lacrosse with them, don’t face off with them on the football line. Be ‘around’ them, not ‘in their face.’ 

6. Don’t put them in a position that would arouse emotions. Celebrations, holidays, receiving gifts, or a long discourse on foreign policy all require a level of involvement the depressed person is not capable of. 

7. Be grounded and stay centered yourself. Remind yourself of your love for them that will endure “even this.” 

8. When the person begins to heal is a wonderful time for them to have a coach.

____________________________

“I tell my wife all the time; ‘girl, you leave me, I’m going with you’” -Voddie Baucham

That made me smile.

March 11, 2009

I really am excited about Tessa. I’m worried about Daquiri, but I’m excited. I don’t really feel very good right now, and I can’t think of anything to say, but I wanted to send you this song. I love you. 

Josh Groban – When You Say You Love Me lyrics

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I’m falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can’t move.
At times I can hardly breath.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there’s no one else alive

You’re the one I’ve always thought of.
I don’t know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You’re where I belong.
And when you’re with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth ,
And frozen in time, Oh when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there’s no one else alive

[bridge:]
And this journey that we’re on.
How far we’ve come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That’s all you have to say.
I’ll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment,I know why I’m alive

When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?

March 18, 2009

Wow, so this past week went fast! I just looked up and, hey! It’s time to write another Wednesday Letter! lol. 

I’m sorry you haven’t been feeling so great lately. I know I’ve been a little insensitive this time around. It’s just, I really hate when you get sick like this. It scares me to death. Especially when you wake up in the middle of the night. Lots of nights, once you wake up coughing, I can’t even go back to sleep because I’m so scared. I can’t even stand to be near you when you’re breathing horribly. It completely freaks me out. Sometimes when you start wheezing and coughing, I just want to run away so I can’t hear it. So when I know you were so much better and the only reason you’re sick again is because you don’t want to stay healthy and you insist on smoking cigarettes, it frustrates me beyond words. I can’t begin to tell you how it makes me feel to have a nightmare about you dying and wake up to see you drinking and smoking and playing video games at 2AM. It’s like I didn’t really wake up after all. So when you got sick this time, I was scared and worried and mad. I kind of felt like “yeah, I know you can’t breathe, but it’s like an alcoholic who has liver failure, gets a new liver, and then goes out the next day to celebrate…. at a bar. And then expects people to care when his new liver fails.” I know I should be more sympathetic, and I’m trying. But it’s hard. I’m working on it. 

I’m also working on following you. I spend a lot of time trying to tell you what to do and lead you. Which is wrong. You have to be leader. What goes on in our family is your call. You can ask my opinion, but the decisions are yours. The Bible says you’re the provider, the protector, and the final authority, subject only to God and the  law. I’m the helper. My job is to support you and make your job easier. Not to do it for you or tell you how to do it. I’m really bad about that. Proverbs 31 tells me what I’m supposed to be doing. Nothing in that chapter says, “control your husband,” or “tell your husband he’s not doing something right,” or “be the spiritual leader in the family,” or whatever. So from here on out, its your call. Not to say that I’m going to start watching horror flicks. First of all, I have to answer to God too; the only time you’re supposed to disobey your husband is if he’s leading you “astray.” Second of all, I’m not going out of my way to give myself nightmares. But I’m not telling you what you can or can’t watch. Whatever entertainment comes into our house is between you and God. However our family serves God is between you and Him. The level of this family’s commitment to God is between you and Him. Your vision and plans for our family and for our future generations is between you and God. Where we live, how we spend our money, how we live, the job you do, what we teach our children, etc. Between you and God. Your job is to be the husband; to love, to provide, to protect, to lead. My job is to be the wife; to respect, to help, to nurture, to follow. Period. End of story. How that works out is between you and God. 

I hope that makes things a lot better for us. 

I love you. 

<3 ME

March 25, 2009

Dearest, darling Bruce. I love you times all the moons and the stars in the sky. I wish you knew more how much I love you. Sometimes I feel as though you see me as disapproving or unhappy. I’m not. I adore you. I would keep you just the way you are. Except I know that you want more. 

You profess so much. You want to feel better, look sharper, earn more, work harder, be more faithful, pray more often, hear God more clearly, etc. But that is not necessarily the reality of your life. And yet you do life the way you always have. You do what you’ve always done. You live life comfortably. You do what you like. I don’t “nag” becaause I don’t think you’re doing things right or good enough. I have known people who are who you say you want to be. Who do what you say you want to do. Who are treated the way you want to be treated. I know you have as well. The difference between you and I, I think is, that you don’t seem to see the difference between what you’re doing and what they’re doing. I’m not sure that you understand that that’s all that stands between them and you. 

Businessmen, regardless of their business, dress to impress their audiences; clients, customers, colleagues, etc. They expect you to take them seriously. They take themselves seriously and they take you seriously. They work hard. Even when it’s “harldy working.” 

Serious Christians don’t magically wake up and “feel the spirit move.” They “pray without ceasing.” They “study God’s word, day and night.” They invest in their church community and allow their church community to invest in them. They work hard to “be like Christ to every person, in every situation.”

You want so much out of life. And frankly, you have the potential for more than you’ll ever know. I don’t think you even see it. A year and four months ago, you told me that you were going to do whatever it takes to be the sort of man you thought I deserved. The sort of man I could love and respect. Well, while I appreciate your enthusiasm and devotion, let’s refocus. I will love and respect you because you are my husband. Period. End of story. God said, it, and by golly, I’ll do it. If it kills me. But you. You are a different story. You are bothered by people who you feel you can’t love and respect. You have standards for everyone around you. You are inspired by men who are everything you see to be opposite of the man you have the hardest time loving and respecting; your dad. 

Let’s talk about legacy. A legacy is defined as “something handed down from an ancestor or a predecessor or from the past.” I like what Robin McGraw  (yes, Dr. Phil’s wife) says about legacies. 

The concept of redefining your legacy is something I am pasionate about…So many of us have dutifully reproduced our mother’s of father’s behaviors, duplicating our parents’ patterns and manifesting a legacy that we, however unconsciously, feel obligated to fulfill.

I want you to know that you have a choice: you do not have to haul your parents’ legacy into your life like that old dining room set your great aunt left for you in her will. If it makes you happy to eat at that table and sit in those chairs, by all means keep them. But if it doesn’t, remember: you have options….

As I gre up, I dedicated my life to undoing the legacy of doubt, fear, and pain that accompanied my father’s great love for us…. I vowed that when I had children someday, they would also feel really loved. But I also vowed to raise my children without the terrible uncertainty I grew up with…I am happy to say I have kept that promise, and I kept it both by the grace of God nd the gift of free will…

I keep coming back to this issue of making choices because I know so many people who don’t reaslize they have the right to choose hose they live, people who would be so much happier if only they would examine the connection between what they do and how their lives turn out. THey think their lives are predetermined, that things will always fall short of their expectations because that’s just the way things go for them. They tell me that I’m different from them, that I’m so lucky, that I have the perfect life, the perfect marriage, and the perfect house. 

Well, guess what? Nothing is perfect. I’m not, my marriage isn’t, Phillip isn’t, our kids aren’t, and the house isnt (although there is one room that comes close). When it looks as if people have all this great stuff going on, its only because it’s right for them, and that’s because they did their best to make it that way. As for being lucky, forget about it. it’s not about luck; it’s about figuring out what you want and making it happen.

-From My Heart to Yours

I love this book. I read it when I get discouraged. It’s short, sweet, and to the point. 

But do you get what I’m talking about? We want so much. We want a house, we want kids, you want a career, I want to homeschool. We want stronger faith, closer community, more family. We want less stress, simpler living. We’ve already figured out what we want. In the ever-famous words of Nike, “Just Do It!” I think we keep sitting around thinking that eventually we’re going to “catch a break.” You know? One day, things will fall into place, like that house in Riverside; fully furnished, fitted with top-of-the-line-appliances, professionally pre-decorated, and move-in ready. 

I can’t call the shots here. I’m the wife, the mother, the homemaker, the nurturer, the encourager, the helper. It’s my job to back you up, to help you, to be the wind beneath your sails, to make your mornings energizing and your evenings relaxing. My job is to make your job easier. My job is to be your home-base. My job is help you be better. To build you up. I’m married now. It’s not “my life” anymore. It’s our life, and you’re in charge. You’ve got to call the shots. You’ve got to make the decisions. You’re the Business Owner. I’m the Manager. I can run the Business in your absence, but you still sign the checks. I can encourage you and tell you my opinion, or what I know, but where we go and who we are and how we live are ultimately up to you.

And so I ask you; who do you want to be? And that being said, are we going to do it, or aren’t we? Are we going to be more faithful? Spend more time in church? Get educated? Make advances in our career? Buy our house? Raise our children? Or aren’t we? If we aren’t, let’s stop torturing ourselves with empty dreams. If we are, let’s do it! I will follow you wherever you lead. Just lead. Think, work, pray, hope, believe. And I’ll follow you.

I married you because regardless of the legacy your parents left for you, I had and have great confidence in your ability to leave a much better legacy for our children. It makes my heart glad to know that you care for my opinion of you. But what would make me more confident in you would be for you to answer me this; are you the sort of man you would love and respect? Are you the sort of man, you would expect your children to love and respect? Are you the sort of man God would love and respect? 

That’s all you have to think of my dear. You are going to be a great man. I love telling people how wonderful you are. Your children are going to remember you. Your grandchildren are going to remember you. Generations will carry your legacy of faith, love and hard work. I believe in you. I always will. You can do this. You will do this. God will lead you and I will follow you.

April 23, 2009

Wow. So, I totally stink! I haven’t written you in so long. I’m so sorry. I think maybe I should write you actual letters. I’m not sure how much I love this blog-letter thing. I think it makes it easier for me to forget. We’ll see.

I’m sorry you’ve been feeling pressured and stressed lately. I feel like we’re not on the same page. I feel like you expect things of me that I’m not aware of and not prepared for and I feel that I expect the same of you. It’s not fair and it’s probably going to be the death of us both. I feel so… thrown for a loop. I feel like we’re so unprepared for this. I feel like we should have done our homework before we jumped in, you know? I really do think we should be married. I don’t think God could have matched us better if we were identical. But I think we were so unrealistic about marriage and married life. Sometimes I wonder; what did we think was going to happen? I mean, the way we’ve gone about this on a large scale, and on a day-to-day basis… where we are now was almost inevitable. Only a heavy dose of divine intervention could have prevented this. Our plans, our logic, our decision-making process… and not just you; me too. This has been a long time coming. We have to make some changes.

-I spend too much time online, dreaming about “what should be.”

-You spend way too much time drowning in sports entertainment, dreaming about “what could’ve been.”

-We both procrastinate, and make decisions based on the best possible scenario.

-Neither of us like the word budget. I like living like I have money; you’re reluctant to live like you don’t. Both of us waste a horrific amount of money on dumb things: like eating out on our last $50. Not smart.

-We got married without either of us having a viable plan for income

-Neither of us have an education, and both of us are dragging our feet to the classroom.

-We don’t have health insurance; NOT AN OPTION when we could get pregnant or end up in the emergency room with an asthma attack…

The list goes on. We have a lot of work to do. We both need to work to be better and we need to encourage each other on the way up. And like Nike says, we need to “Just Do It.”

<3 ME!

May 6, 2009

So, I have to say… I don’t really know what to say to you today. I want to make you feel better and fix everything. I’d love a magic wand so I could make everything right with a wave of my hand. But I haven’t seen any wands at Walmart lately…

I’m not sure, but I think the best and most meaningful thing I can say to you right now is that I will be with you. I will be your wife. I will stand by your side and follow your lead. I will go with you to the ends of the earth. I may not love it, but I will.

If you were a road
I’d learn every turn til I
Could find my way with my eyes closed
If you were a song
I’d sing along til I
Knew every word and every note

But you were everything to me
A mystery
You’re the Love I live to see

By heart, by soul
Thats how I want to know you
Keep you as close as
Breath is to life
Wanna watch your love unfold
By heart, by soul

If You were a place
I’d stay my whole life til I
Had every corner memorized
And if you were a star
I’f follow you home, you would be
The light that is my only guide

You were everything to me
My A to Z
You’re the love thats lives in me

I wanna know you inside and out
Better than I even know myself

If You were a star
I’d follow you home by heart
By soul

(By Heart, By Soul by Avalon)

May 13, 2009

First of all, thank you for taking me to the Quakes game with you. I know getting there was a little dramatic, but I’m glad I went. I like doing things with you. I like being with you. You make me smile, you make me laugh, you make me glad I’m here.

That being said, I don’t even know what else to say about life right now. I feel like everything else is going terribly, horribly wrong. Your dad’s dying, your mom’s not in the best health, we have no money, my dad thinks we’re complete idiots, just about everyone else we know thinks we’re out of our minds, we’re both about one more incident away from having a nervous breakdown…. I mean, how much worse can this get? On second thought, don’t answer that question.

I feel like now that I’m adult, I’m supposed to have all the answers and make relatively wise decisions and live a life that reflects those two things. I feel like  most people expect that of me. But I’m not feeling it, you know? I feel like somehow I got missed  in the line of teenagers-waiting-for-adult-dust. I know they say you can’t please everyone, but I feel like I can’t please anyone. Not my parents, not you, not random people off the street, and certainly not God. How screwed up is that?

You know, I worry so much. I don’t think I’ve ever worried this much in my life. It makes me stressed and anxious and even sick. But I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know where to begin, what to do. I don’t know who to talk to. Anyone I would’ve talked to, say, two years ago, is just going to look at me like, “well, you’re the idiot who ran off and got married….” as though getting married caused all my life problems. I want so desperately to fix this. But I don’t know how. I can’t fix this. And that makes me so upset. I think that’s why I like my theory that no one deserves “brownie points,” and everyone should just work harder to get what they want. Because if everyone has a breaking point, a handicap, a maximum capacity, then I’m screwed. I’m destined to be a screw up. I’m not better because, maybe, I’m not capable of better. But if everyone has the same capacity for “better,” if I’m just as cut out for greatness as the next gal, then the only thing standing between me and a better life is me. If I can and I’m just not, I’m not doomed, I’m just lazy. I can get more. I just have to do the work. I don’t know. Maybe I just know myself. Maybe I just know that if I give myself an “out,” I’ll take it. You know? Idk.

Anyway, I love you times all the moons and the stars in the sky. Don’t stop loving me back, please. Not for anything.

<3 ME!!!

May 20, 2009

Okay, I’m not going to lie: it’s technically Thursday. BUT, in my defense, I haven’t gone to bed yet, so it’s still Wednesday for me.

I know you’re really stressed out these days. This school business is killing us, isn’t it? I hope it doesn’t put too much pressure on you. I have to remember that you didn’t grow up with the same sort of pressures that I did, nor did I grow up with the same pressures that you did. We both expect each other to understand our perspective. I’m not going to understand hardship or need. You’re  not going to understand diplomacy and  social graces. I just hope I can borrow some of your tolerance for struggle and I hope you can learn some of my understanding of “grace under pressure.” I think between living in this house and going to Sandals, and being related to my parents, you probably feel an unprecedented sort of pressure. I just hope you know what I know; that you can handle it. You may not like it, or appreciate, nor feel prepared for it. But it’s nothing you can’t get past. The Bible says that God doesn’t give us anymore than we can handle and that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. So, even if this doesn’t feel good, consider that perhaps in the bigger plans God has for your life, this is just a training ground for the future. Who knows? You may need diplomacy in the future. You may need to deal with completely unreasonable people for extended periods of time. You may need to understand and even appreciate middle class values. You may need to be able take criticism and build your life on it.

I will try to be here to support you, but you have to learn to use pressure. It can either make you or break you. You can do this. I believe you. Pray, hope, love. It will be okay.

<3 Me!!!

May 29, 2009

So… I’m sorry this is late… as usual. lol. 

BUT! Thank you for the best date ever. Seriously. I LOVED it. You are awesome. And thanks for going to Sandals Night Out. I almost thought you wouldn’t really want to go, but you did and it was awesome. This was such a cool week. We went to the beach, we went to Market Night, we went to Sandals Night Out, we looked at houses, we had a pretty good church day, and we had an AMAZING date night! Oh, and it was pretty “fun” in other ways, too. lol.

I love you so much. Thank you for helping me appreciate your craziness by giving me tons of other amazing things to love about you. Can you not wait for school to start or what??? lol

June 3, 2009

My dear,

It is my hope for you that you would be encouraged. Often in the past few months, I have been discouraged by your negativity. I realize that I am not in anyway the poster woman for “positive.” However, your lack of positivity concerns me greatly. The world is crazy I know, and everything isn’t always sunshine and lollipops. But neither is all doom, gloom and insurmountable barriers. I don’t want to lecture you, so I will leave you with this thought, and a few Bible verses;

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
–Reinhold Niebuhr

All my love,

ME!!

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

-Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

-Philipians 4:4-9

June 10, 2009

Hey, I’m starting to get good at this! Who-hoo!

Do you know that I trust you? Not because you have shown yourself “trustworthy,” giving me no reason NOT to trust you. “Trustworthiness” is something you’re improving, but I’ll be honest; I don’t always feel as though you are. But I do trust you. Do you know why? I trust you because I know that whether or not you DO what you ought to and avoid what you ought to, you know the difference and you CAN do it. Confused? Me too. But basically, here it is in a nutshell; I know you know right from wrong, good from bad, honorable from dishonorable. I know you know how to work hard, play hard, stand tall, and speak truth. I know you how to do most of what you need to do, and for those things with which you struggle, I know you know how to find help. I know you have character and I know you know how to preserve a good name. Summary; you know how to be the man God’s called you to be. 

So what’s there to trust? 

I trust that you will. I trust that you love and respect God and love and honor me enough to just do those things which you know are right and good. I trust you to fight satan, this world, and even your sinful nature to be the man God knows, I know and YOU KNOW you are. You are my knight in shining armor; you are God’s soldier. You have the knowledge, you have access to the resources (starting with your Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth), and you have the Holy Spirit to guide you and your Personal Support Team (aka ME!) to cheer you on.

Grace and Peace,

ME!!

“… but the people who know their God shall be strong, and carry out great exploits.” -Daniel 11:32

“Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and endurance…. Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness.”

-Titus 2:2, 6-7

“Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in his ways. You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table. Thus is the man blessed who fears the Lord.”

-Psalm 128:1-4

June 17, 2009

So…. I asked you this question in the car the other day, and you never answered me. So I guess I’ll ask again here.

I’ve been reading some articles at girltalkhome.com about doing your husband good. The gals at Girl Talk wrote a series a while ago that was based on  Proverbs 31:12 “She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”  Basically, the point of the series was how we do our husbands good. The series inspired me to ask you the following two questions;

a) How do I do you good now

b) What are some ways that I can do you good in the future?

And this time, I hope you don’t forget. I mean, seriously, who forgets when there wife asks, “what can I do for you?” lol. 

Grace and Peace,

ME!!! 

 

PS.

This is two weeks in a row!!!!

June 24, 2009

How does it feel to know that your wife JUST turned twenty-one??? lol. 

Do you know that there are not one, not two, but THREE cards hidden for you? And one of them has been there since MONDAY??? I know; I’m a rockstar. I would love me, too. Question is; why haven’t you found them yet??? 

Remember this morning when you said that I don’t respond to you the same, lately? I know what you mean. I really do. I feel it too. I just can’t seem to pinpoint why. It makes me feel so guilty though. It really broke my hear when you said it. But I thought about that a lot today (which was good, because it gave me something interesting to write about tonight!). After some soul-searching and some web browsing, and page turning, I’ve discovered this; stress kills marriages. And it starts with romance.

Apparently one of the biggest soul killers is people not focusing on “frivolous” things like romance, hobbies and play. Turns out that a lot of the things that keep stress from completely consuming one’s life are the ones we place the least value on. For example, one the biggest deterrents of depression? Scheduled, non-negotiable recreation. One of the biggest perpetuators of good health? Regular exercise. One the biggest deterrents of divorce? Making intentional romance a top priority.

So, from here on out, we are going to focus not just on surviving, but thriving. Regardless of the circumstances that may engulf our life, we will do what’s good for our health. Meaning? I would like you to help me cement seven things into our life; prayer, Bible, healthy eating, community, exercise, romance, and play. How? We’ll talk about it. But I’m convinced we’ll be much better off, even if we are broke and sick of the crazy lady bleaching us out…. lol.

I love you times all the moons and the stars in the sky….

<3 ME!!!

July 1, 2009

Yay for July! We’ve got exactly a month before we go see your parents! I’m scared and excited, and glad I’ve got 30 days to mull it all over and “clean up my act.” lol. I’m pretty sure Child Development will keep me busy.

Do you know that I love you? Seriously. I love you like crazy. You make me feel safe, happy, loved, beautiful and other things I can’t even describe. Right now I feel so guilty that we’re going through such a rough spot in our relationships. I know you feel like we’re just not on the same page; and  you’re right. Focus on the Family calls it “marital doldrums.” I call it depressing. But let’s fix it, shall we? I’d like us to work on “romance.” Let’s practice it, and get good at it.

My challenge to you this week; let’s think of (and practice) creative ways to “bang out the doldrums.” Let’s try dates, gifts, secrets, trips, dressing up, whatever! Let’s have fun!

<3 Me!!

July 8, 2009

You know, I get so worried about us. I’m not entirely sure why, but I do. In less than 5 minutes, I can seriously freak out about at least 3 or 4 different things in life. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how you can just tune all the chaos out. The chaos is very much apart of me. The chaos plays like a soundtrack in the background of my life; I don’t have to focus on it, but I can’t stop noticing it either. 

I think things work out better when I don’t try to ignore it, and I just suck it up and start working on it. I think that’s why I plan. Chaos isn’t so chaotic if you have an exit strategy. I’m going to start working on being much more disciplined. Remember that diet video I told you we watched in class? I like what the guy said toward the end; “everyone’s looking for the secret formula for weight loss success. The problem is, the best way to do it, is just to be disciplined and eat few calories, healthier foods, and exercise for at least an hour a day. But no one ever got rich selling self control.” I think that’s what it’s going to take for us; discipline and self control. I think you and I (for different reasons and in different ways) are both really hung up on accomplishing the most possible, having weathered the shortest storm possible. I don’t think it’s going to work that way. It just occured to me; maybe the thing God’s working with us on is discipline. The bible says that the Lord discipines the son he loves. Maybe that’s what we’re supposed to be learning as a couple right now. I know personally, I’m learning humility, quietness, gentleness, and love. I’m not quite sure what you’re learning personally (but I do think it’s something almost completely opposite). But I think together, we’re learning discipline. 

I’m not sure how that’s going to manifest itself. But I’m starting to think that God’s not letting us up until we learn. And I think apart of this test is going to result in us exercising a lot more self control. I know this is NOT what you want to hear, but I have a feeling that maybe God’s not going to give us what we want (house, kids, jobs, etc) until we get more focused (budgeting, planning, scheduling, etc). I’m not sure why this is what God wants us to get right now, but I imagine we’re going to need it further down the road. 

But we’ll see.

Grace and Peace,

<3 Me!!

July 15, 2009

Wow. Our life just keeps getting crazier, doesn’t it? I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I get so stressed out, I can barely focus on breathing. But I know things are going to be okay. I just keep praying, and hoping. We can only trust that God will take care of us. I can’t wait until we’re in quieter waters. The storm doesn’t even have to be past or even over. I just need it to go from “typhoon” to “raging waters and howling winds.” 

But right now, I’m working on just going with it. I feel like I really cripple you with my doubts and fears. Even if they are warranted. I feel like even if things do suck and you’re doing everything wrong, me pointing it out and/or having a panic attack over it only makes things worse. OBVIOUSLY, I’m not doing such a hot job. But I’m working on it.  

In the meantime, I’ve been listening to this awesome song that (I think) was originally on the Fireproof soundtrack. 

July 22, 2009

I just found our new song. Hopefully it will inspire us to do hard things, pray like never before, and acheive everything God has in store for us.

I love you. Here’s to a hundred more years of back-breaking, heart-wrenching, faith-shaking, soul-shattering, life-changing, strength-building, health-improving, hope-building, joy-growing, Christ-glorifiying…. love.

- Me!!

“Dare You To Move”

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

July 31, 2009

So, (obviously) this is outrageously late. I’m sorry. I was so on a roll, too. Jeez.

Any-who. I really don’t know what to say. I’m so tired, so stressed out, so anxious, so nervous, I can barely think or breathe, much less write you a love letter. So I won’t try so hard.

Right now, I don’t quite know what to say. I’m tired. I’m stressed. I miss you. I feel like we’re so tired and stressed, we’re barely married. I want my best friend back, and I feel like every day something happens (or doesn’t happen) that keeps us from that. I’m so worried that this trip is going to make things worse. I keep telling myself that everything’s going to be okay. But I can already feel the stress coming.

But I love you. And even if we are stressed out, you’re still MY BEST FRIEND. Of all times. And you’re stuck that way. So stick with me, won’t you? I’m going to stick with you. I’m praying that this trip is everything you need and want it to be. I hope you leave Wisconsin with a sense of peace that passes all understanding. I hope love prevails.

Grace and Peace,

Me

August 12, 2009

Bruce, I have only one question to ask of you, my love; when is our life going to get less exciting???? lol. I’m serious, though. I like boring! And right now, that’s not exactly the word I’d use to describe our life! Egad.

I’m sorry if I stress you out. Sometimes I get the feeling that I really stress you out. I wish that we had some way to remind each other to not freak out, not yell, not cry, not worry, but have faith, have peace, have joy, have love. You know? I have a feeling that if we could figure out how to be determined to practice those things at the same time, especially when we feel ourselves getting stressed out, we could avoid a WHOLE lot of drama….

Any-who, Wisconsin was SO AWESOME! I’m so excited. I hope we get to go back all the time. I miss it already. We should go for every major holiday. lol. Including our birthdays, anniversaries, and month-iversaries…. lol. Your family rocked my socks off. I’m officially, completely jealous of you. I’m glad I’m apart of your family now, though.

Here’s to years, and years, and years of family…

<3 ME!!!

August 19, 2009

So, I decided to write this on Sunday, because I already knew what I wanted to write about. I figured that by today (when you read this), your brain will hurt from being in school full time for three days. So I decided maybe you’d like this better. These are some of my favorite songs. Most of them are songs I wanted to play at our wedding. I thought you might like to have listen. So sit back and enjoy!

Okay, so this is Kathy Mattea’s “Battle Hymn of Love.” It’s really old-school country, but I think it’s so basic and to the point that I couldn’t possibly leave it out.

Now, this one isn’t really for me to you; it’s a song Jimmy Needham wrote for his wife. But I think it’s an amazing for song.

Okay, so this song is REALLY sappy. It’s not really my style (as you’ll see), but I like it anyway. It’s definitely 1990’s, R&B cheesy. But it’s really sweet (and I think YOU’LL LOVE IT)! lol.

All right; this I love this song too. It’s called “When Did You Fall In Love” and it’s a song Christ Rice wrote for his wife, too. But it’s so cute. And the song is so the story of my life… lol.

This is another Chris Rice song (I love him; he writes such happy songs). It’s called Lemonade and it’s so cute. Some songs just make your heart happy.

This is a Bethany Dillon song  called “Beautiful” that I’ve loved pretty much forever. It’s definitely a song from me to you. It inspires me to inspire you.

Okay; another Bethany Dillon. I like her music because we’re both about the same age (she’s actually younger than me), and we’re both REALLY young and married. So this song, “For My Love” is pretty much something I would write to you. = )

Okay, so last but not least…. (drumroll please) “I Will Be Here” sung by Stephen Curtis Chapman. He’s actually the bazillionth person to sing this song. Oddly enough, I think it’s my favorite love song, period.  Enjoy!

With all my love,

Me

September 30, 2009

If  you check the post-date, this was actually written on Monday. I know. Way early. But that’s when I really felt compelled to write this.

I feel cheated.

Well, I’ve always felt cheated. Like my life is a huge cosmic joke… on me. Like I’m forever getting just less than everyone else. I don’t know if that’s a fair assessment of my life or not, but that’s they way I’ve felt.

That being said, I feel like you’ve cheated me. I feel as though you promised me things you couldn’t provide. I feel as though you made commitments you couldn’t keep. I feel as though you offered me a life you didn’t have to give. I feel as though you’re not the man you wanted me to believe you were. More than anything, I feel as though you lied to me. What’s worse, for someone who was so passionate about honesty, I keep “catching” you. Now I’m starting to wonder if you ever tell me the truth.

Today, when I left the child development center, I saw you park the car, pull out a cigarrette and start smoking. In the car. I can’t even remember how many times I’ve gotten in the car and said, “Whoa, it smells like smoke in here!” Once you told me,”Oh, I smoked next to the car and I forgot to close the windows.” Maybe that time it was the truth. But I’m not sure. I can’t assume. You’ve lied to me so many times.

The annoying part about this whole thing is, I have so much faith in you. I believe in you. I love you. I want the world for you. I need you. I know you can do better. I know you can be more. I know God has His hand on your life.

Where do we go from here? I hate living like this. I hate being afraid of you. I hate being bitter towards you. I hate being angry at you. I hate not trusting you. We cannot go on like this. I haven’t decided what I am going to do. I’m still praying. I’m not going to divorce you. God won’t let me, and I love you too much anyway. But I can’t continue in this fashion. I may decide to leave for a few months. I may decide that we need to just start all over from “Will you marry me?” I may decide that we need a lot of counseling. I may decide that if you want me for your wife, you’re going to have to convince me of it. I’m just not sure.

But whatever I decide, I’ve decided this; I am your wife. Period. End of story. I am not someone you can ridicule, talk down to, yell at, take advantage of, ignore, dismiss, lie to, cheat, snap at, or treat any less than Christ would treat his Bride, the church. I am commited to being everything you need and 80-100% of what you want out of a wife. But I require the same comittment from you. I will never leave you, never forsake you, and never make any decision that’s not explicitly in your best interest. Please understand; you are my husband. For better or for worse. In sickeness and in health. For richer or for poorer. Till death do us part. But that doesn’t mean that we can or will settle for a less-than God-honoring marriage. We must pursue excellence in life. We will pursue excellence in marriage.

I hate this so much. But I really am at my wits end. I’m miserable. I hate my life. I want better for us. I hope you don’t take this and become angry or hurt. I’m trying so hard not to. I want you take this, and whatever comes of it, let it drive you to be better. Let it push you to want more and be more. That’s what I’m trying to do. I’m not going decide we need a drastic change and sit back and wait for you to become Prince Charming. I’ll be going to school. Working. Paying bills. Learning more. Become a better equipped wife. Getting counseling. Please do the same. Please, whatever God calls us to do. Wherever He leads us. However we decide. Please don’t let yourself be defeated. Please, please, please renew your commitment. Please fight for us.

I love you with all my heart.

<3 ME